None Found Worthy

Working at a ministry has it’s benefits. I’ve learned a lot about how God works and about how much he values His creation. That is after all what my employer, Dr. Dixie, teaches. She instructs people how to overcome their fears, move forward from their past regrets or traumas and sometimes how to save their marriages. She leads them to a path in becoming victors in Christ. She is a Biblical counselor.

Once a week her close friend Robert comes into the office to share the work load. They’ve been working together for more years than I’ve been in this world and both have taught me so much in just the few years I’ve been working here. Their wisdom and Biblical knowledge has been a blessing to me as I grow in my own faith. Together their experiences far surpass my own as they have probably seen it all.

Unfortunately, not all of their experiences are made up of sunshine and rainbows. Not all of the people who come in, go out renewed in the mind ready to live the lives God had intended for them. No, sometimes they don’t like what they hear and sometimes they would much rather just do what feels good to them. And sin feels good. Oh man does it feel good. It wouldn’t be temptation if it wasn’t so hard to resist.

Sometimes Dixie and Robert talk to me about some of the broken people they encounter. They don’t give me names or details because confidentiality is very important but I do get a general sense of what problems they’re facing.

Lately, it seems a major problem among marriages is infidelity. As Robert put it today, “They don’t want the old tired out model they want the younger, newer, faster one. They want the adrenaline,  the passion, the excitement.” So what do we have? Good Christian men, who are married, getting girlfriends because they don’t want to fight for their marriages anymore. But wait, there’s more! It’s not just the men, women are doing it too. Infidelity all around.

You may not get this from my blog, because I write when I’m upset, but I’m a hopeless romantic. I believe in heroes and true love. I believe in valor and integrity, honor and fidelity. I believe in greatness. And it seems this world has tried to beat it out of me, trying to wake me into reality. This is one of those days. This is one of those times where I let destructive phrases enter the barriers of my mind and with a crashing blow they echo the words, “Is there no one worthy? Is marriage more trouble than it’s worth?”

But I am a dreamer and our imaginations are powerful. And where I set my mind is crucial to where my path in life will lead. For I am already a bride and my groom is Faithful and True. He rides on a white horse and strikes down the nations with His very word. He is majestic and glorious. There is no one like Him and He has delighted in me. He is my Beloved and I am His. What is there to worry about when your Beloved is so mighty? Who can be against us when He is for us?

Romans 8:35-39

35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 36 As it is written:

“For your sake we face death all day long;
    we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”

37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

The war has already been won, it’s the everyday battles that we’re fighting now.

Proverbs 4:23

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. 

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Today, I Am Free

Today, I am free

I look upon the sky

And see love in Liberty

The grass is greenest here

And joy grows within me

I live and walk without fear

Because today, I am free

-S. G. Wall

I Don’t Care

The resounding statement in my head, “I don’t care”. After days of repeating that to myself I’ve finally come to believe them. They hold me back from giving in to the temptation of doing that which so ails my soul. It supports me against giving in, it has become my crutch. I don’t care how he’s doing or who he’s with. I don’t even care if the answer to that question is what I’ve hoped for desperately these past few months, that he isn’t doing well and that they are not together, that the vengeance I demanded for has been paid and justice given, because, simply, I don’t care. The very phrase “what if”, the one that always had me going back to what tortured me or holding on to what I couldn’t have, the phrase that drove my curiosity to maddening fits of relentless investigation into things that didn’t matter, that don’t matter. And “why?”, a question that cannot be fully or truthfully answered, not without directly asking him. An answer that wouldn’t even be guaranteed. I’ve summed up all those self-tormenting questions down to one simple freeing answer, “I don’t care.”

I. Don’t. Care.

Tomorrow Doesn’t Exist

Tomorrow is a myth. Everyone talks about it but no one’s actually been there. Yes, we make plans and these plans occasionally work out but the results are always seen today. Tomorrow is so uncertain. It is the flittering figure in the corner of your eye. Can you be sure of what you saw?

As much as we like to think and as hard as we may try none of us have control of where we’ll be tomorrow. Perhaps today is the last day because tomorrow never truly comes.

As a child I had great hopes for the future, for tomorrow. Not particularly of a career but of a family. I thought that when you grow up things just happen. You find your soul mate and have children and live blissfully. I grew and I waited, but no soul mate. No children. Not even a glimpse of one. As my peers marry and have children of their own, one even divorced and then soon will be remarried, I, although despite my best efforts, have been left forlorn, alone. To keep from drowning in my own self-pity I’ve convinced myself that it is for the best, that I will be a career woman, successful, purpose-driven, striving to reach my highest potential. But alas, I am heart sick. There is a deep longing within my heart to have someone to call my own, to confide in, to spend time with. Someone who knows me as well as I know them and loves me equally. I try to deny it, to keep myself from being unhappy but I am unhappy. I’ve dreamt about him many times. The affection I would have for him, the bond we would share, going through life being purpose-driven together.

Maybe this doesn’t exist I tell myself. Perhaps no one is truly happy with who they’re with and they’re just too scared to be alone. Lately though, that has appeared untrue. I’m seeing people finding the love they’ve been seeking, living the happiness they’ve been wanting. And Lord, I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, but why have I been so unlucky in this aspect of my life? I am 24 years old and all I’ve ever known from men is deceit, betrayal, and abandonment. I continue to hold my head high, not letting these things destroy who I am, believing that there are honest men out there. But why can they not be honest with me? I have done everything to make myself desirable, improved myself in every way that I could so that I would be found worthy of a great man. Yet none has come.

Father, if I am not meant to marry, take this desire away from me. I cannot bear it any longer.

Life Less Hard

When I was young I dreamed of wealth

Life less hard, but we had our health.

I wanted pretty things, fancy dresses

Bigger toys and less distresses.

I learned young that these are fleeting things

And how to value what life brings

Growing up we struggled much for we were poor

German Immigrants from another land seeking more

My father worked with all his might

He was tough with a lot of fight

He had a dream to make life better

But instead he lived with a fetter

Shackled to the past he could not see beyond

Stuck in the night, but life had moved to dawn

Held back by a poverty stricken upbringing

A drunken father who’s fists were swinging

My dad became his father’s son

And just like that he was gone

The man we loved and looked up to

So full of laughter, kind and true

All who knew him loved him dearly

And his stories most sincerely

But in the last years before his death

Before the morning of his final breath

I knew only fear of him and what he might do

Always angry, and much drinking too

His words always bitter, carried only hate

His heart was burdened with death his fate

His meaning empty, left so hopelessly

A prisoner of the drink, he lived woefully

Alas his only escape or so he thought

Was to take his life with one shot

My mother found him on a chair in the shed

And a twenty two bullet shot in his head

Despite the debt and pain this tragedy rot

We found strength in God and for life we fought

Though each day was hard to face

We survived by God’s grace

We got jobs and life got brighter

We had faith and our burdens lighter

Sometimes I wish that I had it easy

That life was simple and struggles were breezy

But these hardships have made me stronger

And so that my life might last longer

I won’t let the past define my present

But thrive with what I have and be content

I’ve been given the gift of perception

Seeing life without misconception

I understand the broken and depressed

And wish to share how they are blessed

We all must face a time of strife

But it’s how we fight that defines our life

So don’t let your troubles take victory

Become a warrior and be set free

In the end you shall have your award

And remember, help comes from the Lord

10 Reason’s Why Being Single Isn’t So Bad

Today I found something out that bothered me a little bit. It seems like I keep going back and forth between emotions of hopefulness to giving up due to diffidence. So to regain some of my confidence and contentedness in life I’m going to list reasons why being single isn’t all that bad. In fact, there are things I do now that I wouldn’t be able to do otherwise. 

 

  1. Play video games without distraction (if I were in a relationship my mind would always be with the one I was dating)
  2. Watch television with my mom without distractions (if I were in a relationship he would probably be texting me all the time)
  3. Go to bed early (he would probably want to stay up late and talk)
  4. Hang out with my friends whenever (because I’m single I don’t have to work around when he would want to hang out)
  5. Spend quality time at home with my mom and Lassie who would miss me if I was gone all the time (both would miss me actually)
  6. Peace of mind (no worrying about if he’s gonna leave me or if he’s bored with me)
  7. Doing whatever I want in the future (I don’t have to compromise my dreams to fit his, the skies the limit)
  8. Keeping my options open (there are a lot of good looking guys out there with great qualities, why settle down so soon)
  9. Being my best self (I tend to get kind of crazy in a relationship and I would like to avoid that side of me)
  10. My focus on God (a relationship would probably distract me from the most important thing in my life so it’s probably best if I remain single for a while unless it’s His will for me to be in one.)

Hope Has Come

Despite my car still not being fixed things have finally gotten better. Yesterday was a good day. I had good news and a reason to praise my Father. Although I should always be praising Him, even in a storm. But yesterday was different, I felt His blessings on me and joy filled me at the relief that things were getting better.

Monday I had the day off due to bad weather. I was a little relieved. I could use the day off. That afternoon Peter and I went to get my new phone, finally! After months of waiting and false hope at a replacement I could finally get an upgrade. We went into AT&T instead of Walmart because it appeared that they had better options and better deals. All the times before I went to Walmart. I knew Kenzie’s brother Riley worked at AT&T but when we arrived I didn’t see him (I saw a picture of him on Facebook). I was a little intimidated, there were several attractive men working, no women, sadly. I went inside where Lena was waiting for me. She was speaking to a handsome bearded man. He asked what I was looking for and I told him, a Galaxy S IV. He showed me my options but it wasn’t till later that I happened to glance at his name tag, Riley. Realizing who he was I studied his face and noticed the similarities between him and Kenzie. I hadn’t intended on telling him I knew his brother not really knowing how to bring it up. He seemed to be very intelligent and very good with numbers, I had trouble keeping up, but then again I’m very bad with numbers. I ended up getting the Galaxy S 4, financing it for 18 months at 24.99 a month added to my regular bill. While he was processing the order and my information he asked if I was going to school in Weatherford. I said, “No, but not to be creepy I know your brother.” He nodded nonchalantly as if he’s heard this countless time, Kenzie does seem to know a lot of people. I don’t know why but he then asked if I was in town for the pancake supper. Not knowing what he was talking about I told him yes. But the answer was no, I was not planning on going to the Bessie Pancake Supper. To be honest, I wasn’t really sure why he asked that. He then asked how I knew he was Kenzie’s brothers, except in a really awkward confusing way, something like “How do you know him but not me or how do you know about me”. Anyways, I knew what he meant so I said, “I knew Kenzie’s brother Riley worked at AT&T.” We talked about Kenzie for a little while and he asked how I knew Kenzie and I told him through camp and that he was my counselor for four years. There was some more meaningless chit-chat about how he and Kenzie look a like and how he’s lost weight (that’s why I didn’t recognize him) and also that my phone should arrive tomorrow (I was very excited about that) he finished with my order and we left the store. I can’t wait to tell Kenzie that I met his brother.

On Tuesday I had the day off again. It was my regular day off. I had a dentist appointment at 11:00 that morning so I didn’t babysit for Kiersten, despite her best efforts to get me to do part of the day, but that would have been very difficult with no car, and plus I didn’t want to get up super early. My phone came in just before I was about to leave and I was so excited. I didn’t have enough time to activate it so I just left without it. Part of me had been dreading my dentist appointment for the fear that I would go in and Dr. Hu would tell me my tooth couldn’t be saved and that I spent $1600 for nothing. I seem to always get bad news when I’m in that place so I don’t smile much when I’m there. After having my X-rays developed I heard Dr. Hu behind me examining them. I overheard him say that it had improved. I was so happy and relieved I couldn’t help but smile. He told me the news and I was very pleased. Kaylynn, my dental hygienist came over to check on my gum health and that too had improved. It was a good day at the dentist’s office. They’re going to keep the crown on until my tooth gets tighter before putting on the permanent crown. So I had a new phone and good results at the dentist. I hadn’t had a good day like that in quite a while, I was very thankful.

These blessings were just what I needed to get through my string of bad luck. There was finally hope that I wasn’t cursed and that good things could happen to me again. Thank you God!!!

For his anger is but for a moment,
and his favor is for a lifetime.
Weeping may tarry for the night,
but joy comes with the morning.

Psalm 30:5

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